That Diabetes Roller Coaster

Dang it to heck, I am stuck in a rut or more like a crater. Couldn't tell you why. With my impending, first appointment with my new endocrinologist, I've gotten my blood sugars in better check and that helps how I feel tremendously. I will say, I had a blood sugar roller coaster kind of day on Monday, and boy, that was not fun. It is hard to describe the level of crap I can feel when my blood sugar swings all over the place. It makes it even worse because people can't actually see it happening. This past Monday, I allowed myself the time to not be okay. I felt like poop and embraced the poop. I have a slight confession to make, I am obsessed with the app Tik-Tok. Go ahead and judge, I judge myself for watching it. However, there is voice over where some lady says "you're not good and that is okay." I kept hearing this in my head as I rested it on the counter and embraced the suck.

I've sat here for a solid 5 minutes and tried to think of how to describe hypoglycemia (low blood sugar) and hyperglycemia (high blood sugar) because I know it is different for everyone. So when my blood sugar tanks and I have insulin on board, there is this frantic feeling that wells up and the room kind of spins and I get scared. Really scared. So I eat just about everything in the kitchen. THEN because I over corrected my low blood sugar with too much food,  I start to spike up and this is where my mind starts racing and calculating and judging and worrying about my a1c(this is a blood test that averages your blood sugars over the last 3 months). When my blood sugar stays high for a bit, it is like walking through thick molasses and that molasses happens to be guilt and shame for the high blood sugar. I know that sounds so dramatic, but it is the truth. I get really tired when my BG is high and it is hard to function, but I trudge through. This is where I have to be extra careful because I tend to rage bolus if I don't come down in what I feel like is a timely manner. What is rage bolusing you ask? It is basically hitting yourself with insulin over and over until you start to come down but then crash because you gave yourself too much insulin. This can be a vicious cycle of physically and emotionally feeling like poop.

So maybe this is part of my rut? Though the tricky thing with chronic illness is I can't allow it to be the reason I stay stuck in a crater. Diabetes is just as much a part of my life as breathing, so I have to embrace it. That being said, I can also embrace the poop and be okay with not being okay. So I'll take it 1 Drop at a Time, hopefully not rotting my brain too much on Tik Tok but dangit those dog videos are just so cute!!!

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