The Silence of Chronic Illness

Today was rough. I know social media allows you to show you at your best, today I was not at that baseline. So here is the back story...My Tandem tSlim pump provided this amazing update for a program called Control IQ. Overall, the update has been great, but...why the hell does there always have to be a but? So bear with me, this update comes with different activity settings like Sleep or Exercise. Today, I ate my protein bar like usual and went for my walk. When I say walk, I walk about 15 minute miles. Go ahead and imagine an older woman power walking--it is shamelessly me. Basically, after eating the protein bar, my blood sugar levels increased so the algorithm with the Control IQ update said "woah...we need to give you insulin to keep you in range." 1 whole damn unit was given, and I didn't realize it. Well, I'm rounding the corner and almost to my house when my Dexcom (the device that tells me what my blood sugar levels are) alerted me that my blood sugar level was dropping. Per my Dexcom, I was 94 mg/dL. Typically when my blood sugar is low, I sweat and shake. This time was different: my legs felt like cement, and I couldn't pick them up. Thankfully, that little voice of reason told me to check my blood sugar with my trusty glucometer, and lo and behold I was 46 mg/dL, just for perspective normal blood sugar is ~80 to 120 mg/dL. My mind raced and somehow the nurse in me kicked in and called my neighbor that was home and just happens to be a former firefighter/first responder. I *think* I explained what was going on, I don't quite remember. It was just comforting to know someone nearby knew I was in trouble and where my glucagon was in case I passed out. I ate fast acting carbs and somehow stumbled my way to our kitchen table. Eventually my blood sugar slowly came up. I talked to Osman and cried. I checked in with my dad. I texted my firefighter neighbor and let him know I was alright. Then I totally lost it. This disease appears silent. I can walk down the street and any given passerby would never know I have a chronic illness. Today, I silently screamed on the inside until it left be hoarse, mainly because the 'what-ifs' filled my mind. I could have passed out, had a seizure, and died. I promise I am not being dramatic. It was a humbling experience and reminded me to always listen to my body. It also reminded me that diabetes takes a village.

I snapped a picture of myself once my blood sugar was within normal range(see below), and I sat at the kitchen table amongst my glucometer, testing strips, and empty gummy packets. This is what chronic illness looks like. It is scary and difficult. At the end of the day, I try my best to take it 1 Drop at a Time and pull myself out of the silence, into the noise of life, and remember that I have a village that will always be there for me. For that, I am forever grateful.