Self Destructive Pity Party
Week 2 of Summer Break has been great. Jacob and I are enjoying slower days, swinging in the hammock while reading Bernstein Bears and counting leaves. We've gone to swim lessons, dentist appointments, had some play dates with sweet friends. This is the life.
My first week off was glorious. I had these perfect blood sugars, minimal fluctuations. I felt healed. I also didn't leave the house, spent most of my day working out, perfectly timing my meals/insulin, reading, and writing. Basically, I was a diabetic hermit.
However, this week in the diabetes department, I've been a hott mess. Over the past few years, I have learned to separate how my blood sugars will dictate if I have a good time or make good memories. So my time with Jacob has been precious, while my blood sugars have been anything but.
Let's face it, in the summer, I'm just more active. As a school nurse, there are days I run around but mostly in one spot. There are so many variables that change while on break: activity, heat, stress, food etc.
On Monday, I had about 3 lows. Lows are nothing new, but there has been a change. Jacob understands what is going on and my heart is completely broken.
It was Osman's day to work late, Jacob and I were having a vacuuming party (In my defense, he thinks they are fun, so I'm going to milk that for all its worth). My Dexcom was warming up because I just changed it out. So I was flying blind. I felt a little funny, took my blood sugar. It was 67. I ate, waited a few minutes, and got back to cleaning. Then I felt a sensation I never felt before, my TOES felt sweaty. I took my blood sugar again, it was 47. I was scared. I got Osman on the phone. I was slurring my words and felt like I was about to pass out. Here was Osman telling Jacob to take care of Mommy. I'm emotional even thinking about it. My little man, all of his 3 years, was holding on to his mommy's leg, telling her "it is okay, my mommy, get some skittles. I take care of you." Osman came home immediately. He knew I was struggling, but I already eaten about half of the cabinet. I ate until my blood sugar was over 300. I was over it. This time, my pity party was self destructive.
I'm still so upset with diabetes. I'm tired of dealing with it. Not that it was ever fun, but I could hide it from Jacob, now I can't. It just isn't fair to him. When I was first diagnosed, this was something that never crossed my mind. Chronic illness ripples into many aspects of life while touching so many people I care for the most. It hurts when I see another ripple. Although, after typing that, I realize just how diverse my "village" is and for that, I'm so thankful.
After my "eat everything in sight" pity party. I talked to Osman and half jokingly asked if he would like to take over my diabetes management. Being my rock as always, Osman of course said yes. I laugh typing that now, because everyone knows I'm a super control freak so that ain't going to happen. I ordered the newest edition of "Pumping Insulin." The first time I read it, I had not a clue what pumping insulin and life with a CGM would be like. I hope by gaining some more knowledge, I can put diabetes back in its place. I also reached out to my T1D guru, we talked through things. Her knowledge and support is invaluable.
So I guess this is where I would tell a friend, going through the same thing, give yourself grace, you aren't a bad mom and this to shall pass. Easier said than done. So here's to gaining more knowledge, 1 Drop at a Time.
My first week off was glorious. I had these perfect blood sugars, minimal fluctuations. I felt healed. I also didn't leave the house, spent most of my day working out, perfectly timing my meals/insulin, reading, and writing. Basically, I was a diabetic hermit.
However, this week in the diabetes department, I've been a hott mess. Over the past few years, I have learned to separate how my blood sugars will dictate if I have a good time or make good memories. So my time with Jacob has been precious, while my blood sugars have been anything but.
Let's face it, in the summer, I'm just more active. As a school nurse, there are days I run around but mostly in one spot. There are so many variables that change while on break: activity, heat, stress, food etc.
On Monday, I had about 3 lows. Lows are nothing new, but there has been a change. Jacob understands what is going on and my heart is completely broken.
It was Osman's day to work late, Jacob and I were having a vacuuming party (In my defense, he thinks they are fun, so I'm going to milk that for all its worth). My Dexcom was warming up because I just changed it out. So I was flying blind. I felt a little funny, took my blood sugar. It was 67. I ate, waited a few minutes, and got back to cleaning. Then I felt a sensation I never felt before, my TOES felt sweaty. I took my blood sugar again, it was 47. I was scared. I got Osman on the phone. I was slurring my words and felt like I was about to pass out. Here was Osman telling Jacob to take care of Mommy. I'm emotional even thinking about it. My little man, all of his 3 years, was holding on to his mommy's leg, telling her "it is okay, my mommy, get some skittles. I take care of you." Osman came home immediately. He knew I was struggling, but I already eaten about half of the cabinet. I ate until my blood sugar was over 300. I was over it. This time, my pity party was self destructive.
I'm still so upset with diabetes. I'm tired of dealing with it. Not that it was ever fun, but I could hide it from Jacob, now I can't. It just isn't fair to him. When I was first diagnosed, this was something that never crossed my mind. Chronic illness ripples into many aspects of life while touching so many people I care for the most. It hurts when I see another ripple. Although, after typing that, I realize just how diverse my "village" is and for that, I'm so thankful.
After my "eat everything in sight" pity party. I talked to Osman and half jokingly asked if he would like to take over my diabetes management. Being my rock as always, Osman of course said yes. I laugh typing that now, because everyone knows I'm a super control freak so that ain't going to happen. I ordered the newest edition of "Pumping Insulin." The first time I read it, I had not a clue what pumping insulin and life with a CGM would be like. I hope by gaining some more knowledge, I can put diabetes back in its place. I also reached out to my T1D guru, we talked through things. Her knowledge and support is invaluable.
So I guess this is where I would tell a friend, going through the same thing, give yourself grace, you aren't a bad mom and this to shall pass. Easier said than done. So here's to gaining more knowledge, 1 Drop at a Time.
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