I am Human

It has been a minute since my last post. I thought about hiding behind a new recipe, giving the world the perfection it desires, in the form of a prepared dish and Instagram filter, but I am in a funk. I'm sad, hurting, pretty much every adjective on an antidepressant commercial.

When I started this blog, I asked you to follow me on the good days and bad. Unfortunately, I've been riding on bad days for a few weeks now. I am struggling and wondering, why am I not choosing happiness? Why am I not more thankful? Why did this happen to me? You know, all the self indulgent questions that make me cringe while writing them out. 

So being a doer, who loves control, I went to Amazon to buy some books. I think in all this sadness and loss of interest in life, I was actually at a pivotal moment, I was ready to see "Chronic Illness" and "Diabetes" written on the pages of a self help book. I was no longer buying books about spirituality or God throughout the centuries or shame resilience, I was finally coming to terms with this illness and it hurts. 

I want to know why, I want the answers to life. The whole mystery of life and wonderment of it DRIVES ME CRAZY. Hell, I'm married to a biochemist and molecular biologist who manipulates life for a living. I want to know why this is my journey. Am I sick because I am a bad person, or because I was too negative, did I miss all the chances to learn about life the "normal" way, so the "powers that be" sent down the wrath of God to teach me a lesson? So much drama for a Monday morning. 

So I am reading the book "Chronic Resilience" and Danea Horn's words struck a chord for me, "I have an illness because I am human". It seems so simple and is so much easier for me to believe for other people than myself. Life surely can't be that simple. Humans aren't perfect and life can be messy. I am merely a human who got sick. 

The questions still turn in my mind and that unsettling sadness is around, but I'm learning that the moments that hurt the most and make me feel the most feels, create the most beautiful manifestations. 

I hope the week goes well for you all. I will be living this human life, taking it 1 Drop at a Time. 

 



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