Blissfully Unaware

Y'all, where did October go? I have successfully watched  Halloweentown and Hocus Pocus to the point I don't even need to have it on because I can see it in my mind. Both are masterpieces. 

I unintentionally avoided another down in the dumps week. How? I didn't pick up my diabetes supplies! My last post wasn't exactly me. I was so sad about life and I've noticed a trend of this is happening every couple of months. Thank you to all my friends and family for reaching out to me. I forgot I am not alone, your love helped me process why this may be going on. I figured out this most recent time started when I went to the pharmacy to get more testing strips.

I live in a small town, but there is still a waiting period while in the car line at CVS. When I go to the pharmacy, I'm usually alone with my thoughts because for whatever reason Jake isn't with me. Sometimes, I find gratitude for the ability to get the supplies. Other times, I play some Adele and feel sorry for myself and think of all the other things I could be spending my time and money on. Then I get up to the window and if it is during the school year, a cheery UGA pharmacy student will be there. It always takes longer because they are learning, which I was there once, except I had to practice poking patients with needles. Poor patients. I tell them my name and birthdate. Never can they find my name because my first name is spelled a little differently and good luck figuring out how to spell my last name. So we get past the "who I am" and move on to the "what are you getting" part.Fair warning, these are all my personal perceptions but I feel like the pharmacists run down the list and their eyebrow raises and they look at me and repeat the list out loud, give me a clip board with some piece of paper and a pen to sign (I actually don't know what I'm signing) and they hand me my multiple bags of life. This is the part I hate. I feel like I can see them wondering about me. One girl in particular gave me the saddest look while asking if I had any questions. I politely said no but I felt so angry. Don't feel sorry for me, I only want to be the one to do that. Give me a hive five or something, say "yay, you are a compliant patient!" but please, no sad eyes. We exchange awkward, "have a nice days," then I drive off and one of the paper bags always ends up on the floor. Most times, I don't immediately go home. I drive a circle through the neighboring town and I cry or belt Josh Groban's "Remember When it Rained" or cry-sing simultaneously.. It looks real cute I'm sure. Most of the time, diabetes is this invisible friend-foe but for me, when I see those bags and hear them rolling around, it is hard.

Being diagnosed as an adult with chronic illness is a strange mixture of gratitude, guilt and grief. I feel gratitude that I did not have this illness as a child and subsequently feel guilty when I have a bad day because I haven't always had diabetes and I grieve the life I once had. In my mind I should be so thankful that I have the ability to buy my supplies, because there are many places in the world that this luxury can't be found. 

I guess my inner dialogue is wondering, is it healthy to avoid the pharmacy? Maybe I'm just not ready right now. I know at some point, I will need to face the reality that a good portion of money and time is spent gathering the things I need to live. So right now, if Osman running to the pharmacy helps prevent this melodrama in my life and diabetes supplies just appear in my special drawer in the kitchen and the fridge, I am willing to be okay with that. I guess what I would call "denial" feels a whole lot better than sad. 

So I'll take it 1 Drop at a Time with my magically appearing diabetes supplies and live blissfully ignorant of where they came from.

I'm feeling more like myself again and I felt it in this picture!