The Here and Now

If there was a white flag, I'd be waving it. These past two weeks have not been the best. Between no sleep thanks to highs and lows and the stomach bug, it would make the strongest person cry for mommy. I had my first experience with a mind alternating low. It was around 3am and my Dexcom was buzzing away. I woke up, in true robot fashion, and took my blood sugar. I was able to muster up enough mind power to shove some glucose tabs in my mouth. However, that was about as far as my mind could reach. I just kept saying "I'm hungry, I'm hungry" over and over. I felt trapped inside myself and it was scary. I recovered, but of course, over corrected, so I was awoken yet again with a high.

As I reflect on these past couple weeks, being sick didn't help, but I was also trying so hard to recreate what I felt "normal" was like. So of course this meant, not the best food choices. Being a person with T1D, I don't technically have to follow a low carb diet but it helps and obviously allows me better sleep. So this brings me to my current thought of these past couple weeks, why have I clung to this idea of normalcy? I literally made my life hell by clinging to what I felt normal should be. I've been reading a lot of books about spirituality, God, choosing happiness etc etc and regardless of where you put your faith, I'm quickly learning that true peace is brought by accepting the present and releasing the past. I didn't realize until I almost drifted to sleep last night, that by trying to go back to "normal", I was just trying to recreate the past. 

I forgot that the present isn't so bad. Sure, I wish I didn't have diabetes, but I have it. It is a part of me, and I'm working every day to find ways to love this illness. It is hard to continually hate a piece of yourself. We are all going through hardships and happy moments that change what we thought was normal. So when I find my mind wandering to those thoughts of "well I used to be able to do this that and the other" and trying so hard to recreate that normal, I'll gently remind myself that the present is now and it isn't so bad. I think some of the most inspirational people have let go of the idea of normal and revel in the now. 

Here's to taking it 1 Drop at a Time. 

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